HOROSCOPES – YOUR SIGN AS A HORROR MOVIE VILLAIN

Nathan Gilmartin, Resident Astrologist
October 30, 2018

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22): Heeeeeeere’s Johnny! Jack from “The Shining” is assertive, even as the ghosts begin to possess him. Your sheer willpower makes you able to overcome suggestion and see the world as you seek to see it (as Jack was eventually able to shake the ghosts’ influence and save his family).
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 22): Though definitions of a “game” might differ between yours and that of Jigsaw from “Saw”, the both of you find fun in challenging people to competitions, especially when they involve strategy.
Capricorn (December 22 -January 20): Freddy Krueger from “A Nightmare on Elm Street” is always prepared with a witty one-liner. You also excel at wordplay, with a wit as sharp as steel claws.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Woe betide any who cross you, Aquarius. Much like the eponymous “Carrie,” you stand up for yourself, and do your part to bring justice to the bullies of the world.
Pisces (February 18 – March 20): Random, clever, and full of mystery, you share quite a bit in common with the “Slender Man.” As with ol’ Tall-Dark-And-Faceless himself, you can always rely on your friends to lend a helping hand.
Aries (March 20 – April 19): You have enough persistence and perseverance to rival Michael’s in “Halloween.” No matter how many times the odds beat you, you always return to beat them back ten times harder.
Taurus (April 20 – May 21): Samara from “The Ring” discovered a wealth of inner strength in honing her talents, as shall you. Remember that practice makes perfect, and try not to accidentally traumatize your parents.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): You can easily be compared to the “Cube,” Gemini, on account of how you’re constantly changing and adapting. People who cross paths with you are shocked by your spontaneity, and are always trying to guess what you’ll do next.
Cancer (June 21 – July 23): You are a misunderstood romantic, looking out for your friends in an awkward yet well-meaning fashion. “Harm” truly isn’t a word in your vocabulary. “2am: The Smiling Man” features such an antiheroic lead as its title character… depending on your interpretation.
Leo (July 23 – August 23): You, like Erik from “The Phantom of the Opera,” seek the optimal results, no matter what the cost. Perfection is your objective, as well as your weakness. Remember to relax and be a good sport- everything will work out eventually.
Virgo (August 23 – September 23): In “It,” Pennywise the Dancing Clown maintains the appearance of childlike playfulness as he gleefully terrorizes the town of Derry. Your high-spirited nature, albeit more innocent, is also prominent in all that you do.
Libra (September 23 – October 23): Intellectual pursuits are your passion, and the thrill of reading drives you. Such interests are also enjoyed by the Globglogabgalab from “Strawinsky and the Mysterious House.”