HOROSCOPES – NO THEME, LITERALLY JUST REGULAR HOROSCOPES

Nathan Gilmartin, Resident Astrologist

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Aries (March 20 – April 19): It’s Aries season, which means that the ever-charging ram that is your spirit will charge even faster, and with more determination. Use this energy constructively; nobody wants to see you embarrass yourself because you lost control of yourself and decided it was a good idea to yell at someone- or worse yet, order a pineapple pizza with ranch instead of tomato sauce like some sort of  heathen.

Taurus (April 20 – May 21): According to the spirits, as ancestors attempt to contact you, circumstances lead you to an old house far from your home. This may be a cryptic prophecy that leads to an epic quest that will bring either glory or ruin to your name. Chances are, though, you’re probably just going to visit your grandparents soon… but, hey, keep an open mind. The former interpretation is still, like, 0.001% possible.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Hype intensifies as the second season of One Punch Man is released, and new seasons of Stranger Things and Game of Thrones are on the way. There’s going to be a lot of binging in the future, so make plans to accommodate for that.

Cancer (June 21 – July 23): Now. Now, more than ever, you should get this show on the road. There is an opening, an opportunity for happiness. Take it. Make your move. Honestly, what’s the worst that could happen? yOu CAn dO ThE tHiNGy!!! Never mind what the thing actually is, just pick a thing and go for it!

Leo (July 23 – August 23): A mistake adds an extra bit of frustration to your life. Don’t freak out. Things will be ok as long as you stick with your closest allies and try not to flip any tables. Seriously. Tables are expensive these days, unless they’re cheap and made of plastic. A good table is hard to come by. What I’m getting at is that you should stick with your own, perfectly fine dining room table. What was I talking about again?

Virgo (August 23 – September 23): In a past life, you existed. Today, you also tend to exist. Do you really think that’s just a coincidence? Maybe so, but what about the fact that you inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide? What about the fact that you consume water almost every day? These are clearly signs that your past incarnation experienced some of the same things as you. The stars predict that, just like your past self, you will probably also eat.

Libra (September 23 – October 23): You will meet a tall stranger. The spirits tell me not how nor why, but it’s still fairly obvious to them that you will meet a stranger, and that stranger will be incredibly tall. You may not even speak to them. You might simply pass them, never to meet them again. But you will notice how tall they are. That is certain.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22): A day off seems to pay off, as prospects in the future improve significantly. Keep yourself vigilant towards seasonal allergies, and try to keep safe. Don’t give up. You will be able to persevere.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 22): Fictional inspiration and new developments in the real world influence an artistic project of yours. If there lies a wall of writer’s blocks and cement in your way, crush it into dust.

Capricorn (December 22 -January 20): You move through the obstacles quietly, yet confidently. Goat today, G.O.A.T. tomorrow. Congratulations, Cap. Your friends are proud of you. The stars are proud of you. I’m proud of you. Legit. Relish this moment.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): A trip to a faraway land approaches swiftly. Faces new and familiar will be seen on your journey. An inquiring friend would like to see pictures of the adventure as it unfolds. They also hope you have lots of fun!

Pisces (February 18 – March 20): You will be very mysterious, spacey, and overall weird. If you were any other sign, people would just think that you’re just really derpy… but you’re a Pisces. That means that people think you’re a psychic. It doesn’t matter if you actually are or not. Use that to your advantage. Maybe if you get caught staring into space, you can get away with saying you had a vision.